Posted on by Belladonna

If you love me tell me NO

Why is it so hard to tell the people that you love NO? Even if we see that saying yes to everything may be killing them.

It’s a fine line between enabling someone and wanting them to feel satisfied—notice I didn’t say happy, but satisfied. So many of us love so hard that saying no actually hurts. We want the ones we love to get what they need and not have to empty if they don’t get it.

I remember when my kids were little, My husband and I wanted them to have everything they asked for. I mean, we were a sucker for our kids. We went out of our way to make sure we could provide everything they desired. 

If I couldn’t get them what they wanted, I felt like I failed them. 

Then, one day, I started practicing the word “NO!” I was so exhausted from trying to keep up with their wants and needs that I just flipped out.

I told them that I didn’t want to hear one more demand, and they saw the crazy look in my eyes and slowly backed away.Being a parent is tough, but to me, being an enabler is tougher.

Lately, I have been glued on my 600-pound life again. Each story consists of an enabler and, in some situations, multiple enablers and an obese man/woman. In most cases, their obesity has left them bedridden and totally relying on family to cook and bring them meals, bathe them, and so much more.

But what blows my mind is the family members are still bringing them over 12000 calories a day.

How hard is it to tell them NO

  • I will not bring you this junk food
  • I love you too much to help you kill yourself
  • You can’t walk on your own; you use an oxygen tank, 
  • You’re screaming bloody murder if someone tries to help you get up to walk
  • Blood clots are now forming in your legs from lack of movement and can and will kill you if it goes untreated.

One particular lady was determined to pull herself together for her children. She told her family that she was too weak to do this on her own. Her temptations for food are too intense for her to manage. She told her family to stop giving in to her request and please be the strength that she needs.

I had chills all over my body, and tears could not stop flowing down my face as she cried out, “If you love me, tell me, NO!”

And I felt that!

You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored.

~Belladonna~

74 Replies to “If you love me tell me NO”

  2. Pingback: If you love me tell me NO – Belladonna’s Flashlight | Ned Hamson's Second Line View of the News

  3. it is difficult to say no but as you so aptly point out to continue to enable a person to kill themselves with food… etc, reveals an underlying codependency that is satisfying the enabler or fulfilling a need that is deadly for the person they seek to smother with “love”. A fine article Bella.

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      2. I use to say yess to the dumbest things and then proceed with much regret. And then one day I said “wait one damn minute, what the hell am I doing?” Now No comes out before someone can finish their sentence.LOL

        Liked by 3 people

      3. Yep! I was feeling so mad at myself for agreeing to take care of my friend’s (not well behaved) dog for three and half weeks while she goes gallivanting around Europe. I cannot tell you how happy I am that another friend stepped in and said she’d love to do it. Yippee!!!
        This was a feel bad about saying no but now, liberated situation.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. Let’s just say she and I do not have the same ideas regarding pets… The dog will be ecstatic where he will be staying – they have an acre of land and the couple are retired so he won’t spend the day in the house, bored and alone as he would have been with me. So really, this is the best solution.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. A very heart touching and inspiring post, dearest Bella. It’s an eye opener for me too because I have a fussy teenager at home and I am finding it very difficult to say no to her demands. I don’t always give in and keep telling her no to things that aren’t good for her.

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  9. Amen sister!! I am guilty of not being able to say no, sometimes. However, before I say yes or no, I weigh the pros and cons of the situation at hand.

    Let’s take for example my youngest daughter. A few months ago, she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend that she had met online. Although he was her boyfriend’s, friend, I didn’t know this guy, I didn’t know what type of person he was, nor did I know what his family was like. Not only that but my youngest daughter who is 17 years old, had never met him face to face, just online. They had been talking for a long time. But as a mother, regardless of how long she had been talking to this guy and getting to know him, I didn’t feel comfortable with her going to a concert with a guy I didn’t know, and she had never met in person. Any guy, I don’t care who they are. They can say the sweetest things behind a screen, but it’s not until you meet them face to face is when their real colors are revealed.

    Although granted, she had no one else to go with and it was for her 17th birthday, but I as her mother have a responsibility to protect her and keep her safe. I’m not just going to allow her to go out with these random dudes, unless I know them and what type of person they are and I know their background. I had a very difficult time saying no because she had been planning this for a really long time and her friend canceled on her at the last minute. So, of course I felt so bad for her. But that motherly instinct kicked in and I chose her safety over her wants, so I had to say, no. I did however make it know that as her mother, it is my responsibility to keep her safe and I wasn’t saying no to be mean or take away her freedom or enjoyment, I was simply trying to be the mother to her that I never had and that didn’t give two 💩 about me. How I see it is, she has her whole life ahead of her. There will be many more concerts in her time growing up. Missing one concert is not going to be the end of the world. Growing up, I never got that opportunity to go to concerts; not because I wasn’t allowed but because I never got invited to go. My husband and I have let her go to concerts with her “girl” friends. So this concert wouldn’t have been her first one.

    Either way, being her mother first, take priority over anything else. A good mother loves their child enough to say no to things in life, because their safety always comes first. Nowadays, there are too many creepers out there kidnapping our children. That is a chance I refuse to take. One day, it will all be clear to her when she has kids. Her protective instincts will always prevail over anything else; she will also spend her whole life as a mother, saying no to her child many times.

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    1. I applaud you on this!!!!! we are here to protect them and make clear decisions that will protect them. Our brains are fully developed an there’s are not so we hav to step up and think clearly.
      She will thank you later and until then I would not feel bad but I would let here know how unsafe that is.
      Good job mom!

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  14. ‘If you love me, tell me, NO!‘

    Very powerful words in the predicament you described. It seems as though saying ‘yes’ ends up being more about the enabler rather than the enabled. Whether it’s the enabler’s drive to provide what’s asked for, or, their not wanting to deal with the fallout/consequences if the providing doesn’t happen.

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  15. You are so right, saying no to loved ones is difficult.

    When we were children, we learned from the start that we couldn’t have everything we pointed at. My parents simply didn’t have the money for that. Now I can like things without necessarily needing to own them.

    But my sister in law did the very same thing as people with your 600 pound lady. Her husband had just had a bypass and had lost a lot of weight, which he desperately needed to do. And what does she do? She feeds him fat Danish double cream icecream every single day. It didn’t take long for him to put the lost weight on again. I should have asked her “do you want to kill him?”, but I didn’t, that was a mistake. Her reason to do so was that she pitied him and wanted him to have something “good”. But I could see on her that she was aware how bad it was for him.

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  19. I once dated someone who said I didn’t know how to love because I said ‘no’ too often. He would only ask for things on the other side of my boundary. What did he expect? To be allowed to harm me?

    Humans are so nonsensical sometimes. Myself included. Where is the line between enabler and supporter? Clearly the people on those shows are hurting. Why does no one address that and go straight to shaming the behavior that is clearly comfort seeking from a fearful space? One conflict avoidant, the other drowning in fears of abandonment: they need me I am safe, I need them I am safe. It’s all emotional fodder. I loathe shows like this because they just add to the pain the people are in. It’s like those extreme make overs… no one is addressing the emotional expression in the room and its deafening for me.

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. sounds like he wanted someone that he could control.
      Yeah I think people like making fun of others because it makes them feel better about themselves. Shows like this open up more insecurities and really never deal with the main problem at hand.

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  21. I’ve never watched the 600 pound show, not sure that I could take it. You say: How hard is it to tell them NO and I agree. Enabling your family and friends to live an unhealthy lifestyle isn’t love, maybe a perverse desire to manipulate them? I dunno, too weird for me.

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