Posted on by Belladonna

I Wish I Had Known

A friend of mine died not too long ago.

I remember right before he passed, he sent me a text and said, what are the things you like about me? I laughed and jokingly replied, “nothing, you annoy me” He laughed and said, well, the feeling is mutual. I sat on my bed for a moment and just stared at my phone. Waiting for him to send another message. About 5 minutes passed, and nothing new came through.

At that moment, I knew he was serious and really wanted an answer.

So I sent a text, and it said… Your smile was one of the first things that caught my eye. You always had a look on your face like you were looking for a reason to smile and tell a witty joke. But when it is time to be serious and show compassion, you do just that. You do that better than anyone I’ve ever met. You never have to tell me you care about me. I can feel it when I talk to you. All of your attention would be on the words that I spoke.

About an hour passed and he still hadn’t replied back to me. I knew he opened my text because it was left on reading. Which is one of the reasons I don’t allow the “read” notification to pop up. Sometimes I read a message and have to run and do something else before I have a chance to reply.

I waited a little while and sent him another text, and I asked him why he texted me and not called me. He replied I want to be able to read this message over and over again.

I didn’t know he was dying. He passed away shortly after that.

I went on Facebook to post something funny on his wall, and I saw everyone saying RIP. So I dug a little deeper so that I could see what happened. Apparently, no-one but his close family and best friend knew he was sick. His last text message to me was sent from his hospital bed.

I wonder if I had known that would I have cracked that joke. Or would I have gone above and beyond about how I felt about him?

I thought about my friend when I read about Chadwick Boseman’s passing. Everyone was beyond shocked that his close friends and family were able to keep his illness concealed. I wasn’t. I experienced this first hand.

And I’m still experiencing the aftershock and wishing I had known.

You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored!

~Belladonna~

27 Replies to “I Wish I Had Known”

  1. Woah. A difficult time for you to process all this now but, hopefully, one day, you will see that hindsight is an exact science and your friend likely appreciated the real, playful you.

    Reply

    1. I definitely agree with you! If I had known I definitely would not have been myself. But more nurturing and serious and it seems like he had enough of that and wanted to feel as “normal” as possible. Thank you for this 💗

      Reply

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and once again I relate and have found myself here before as well. Times and experiences like these always urge me to make the most out of every moment, for we will never get it back. Those are the lessons I try to take away to help me live with as little regret as possible.
    There will always be a “what if” but I am sure he knew what you meant cracking that joke and with his response it sounds like you even made him smile. Hold on to that vision and let the “what if’s” pass. Much love and light to you. Hugs

    Reply

    1. Thank you (TEARS 😭) I will definitely hold on to all the good memories and laughs. There were a lot of that in our friendship. His best friend told me that he chuckled when he read my initial response. That made my heart happy💗

      Reply

  3. I understand why people don’t want to share an illness. But I also get why people want to know. I have no good answer

    Reply

  6. Sorry about your friend that must have been tough. I guess people don’t want to be remembered as sick before they pass away so they choose not to share that they are unwell.

    Reply

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