I was always ready for a fight!
Fighting and rage stayed on my mind from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. I wanted to put my fist through the wall and strangle folks out. Everything that came out of the mouths of my family members made me sick. I would rather be alone than hearing noise. And the older I became, the worst my temper grew. I can’t tell you the relief I felt when my older siblings started to trickle out of the house. I knew that I wouldn’t have to be bothered.
My father and I never had a relationship, and we still don’t. When we do talk (every blue moon), It’s awkward. So I avoid it.
When I was 8 (at least that’s the earliest I can remember), I began to get terrible migraines. The ones that would swipe away your vision and leave you throwing up until you were weak. I was told that if I stopped being so mean, my migraines would surpass. And my only thought was, well, maybe if you would all stop being jack assess, then I would stop being miserable.
There were always so many moving parts in my house and no one… I mean, no one ever asked this ten-year-old girl if she was okay? I dealt with grown folk problems and heard things that I wish I hadn’t because I didn’t know how to process it all.
So I bottled it up!
I would go in my room and dance for hours, not a studio where I belonged and longed to go. My anger also derived from not being able to do the one thing that I loved.
When I had to deal with the public, I dealt with them with a heavy heart and tight fist—daring anyone to piss me off. But oddly, my best friend was this sweet redhead with a chirpy voice and the kindest parents.
They loved me, and I loved them.
Her parents made me feel like I was normal and brought peace to my heart. She made me feel like I was normal. In her presence, I didn’t feel angry, bitter nor did the feeling of hopelessness show its ugly face.
Her kindness softened me and allowed me to tap into a better side of me. I became more feminine, and laughter was my go-to, not anger.
A Fixed Bitter Heart Can Spot a New Bitter Heart
When I see a child that’s acting out, I know that it’s not their fault. They have so many emotions and hardships that are unfortunately out of their control. So they are doing the only thing they can do. Choosing violence, drugs, alcohol, sex, and anything else that can ruin your life sounds like a good idea. They can numb the pain and disconnect from what’s really hurting them.
Alcohol and weed was my numbing medication. My limit was reached when I couldn’t feel anymore. And the bad stuff didn’t seem so bad. My lonely and bitter heart wasn’t so lonely and bitter. But when my meds were off, I was back dealing with real-life—and hating every minute of it.
So when I look into their eyes, I know what they are feeling. We may have experienced different hurt and pain that led to anger. But pain is pain, and it doesn’t matter how it arrived there. The focus should be on “who’s going to get me out of this hell hole”. And not “who is judging me”.
Anger doesn’t have the right to claim nor raise anyone… I should know because it raised me.
You could have chosen any blog to read but you chose mine and I’m honored!