Anger Raised Me

I was always ready for a fight!

Fighting and rage stayed on my mind from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. I wanted to put my fist through the wall and strangle folks out. Everything that came out of the mouths of my family members made me sick. I would rather be alone than hearing noise. And the older I became, the worst my temper grew. I can’t tell you the relief I felt when my older siblings started to trickle out of the house. I knew that I wouldn’t have to be bothered.

My father and I never had a relationship, and we still don’t. When we do talk (every blue moon), It’s awkward. So I avoid it.

When I was 8 (at least that’s the earliest I can remember), I began to get terrible migraines. The ones that would swipe away your vision and leave you throwing up until you were weak. I was told that if I stopped being so mean, my migraines would surpass. And my only thought was, well, maybe if you would all stop being jack assess, then I would stop being miserable.

There were always so many moving parts in my house and no one… I mean, no one ever asked this ten-year-old girl if she was okay? I dealt with grown folk problems and heard things that I wish I hadn’t because I didn’t know how to process it all. 

So I bottled it up!

I would go in my room and dance for hours, not a studio where I belonged and longed to go. My anger also derived from not being able to do the one thing that I loved.

When I had to deal with the public, I dealt with them with a heavy heart and tight fist—daring anyone to piss me off. But oddly, my best friend was this sweet redhead with a chirpy voice and the kindest parents. 

They loved me, and I loved them.

Her parents made me feel like I was normal and brought peace to my heart. She made me feel like I was normal. In her presence, I didn’t feel angry, bitter nor did the feeling of hopelessness show its ugly face.

Her kindness softened me and allowed me to tap into a better side of me. I became more feminine, and laughter was my go-to, not anger.

A Fixed Bitter Heart Can Spot a New Bitter Heart

When I see a child that’s acting out, I know that it’s not their fault. They have so many emotions and hardships that are unfortunately out of their control. So they are doing the only thing they can do. Choosing violence, drugs, alcohol, sex, and anything else that can ruin your life sounds like a good idea. They can numb the pain and disconnect from what’s really hurting them.

Alcohol and weed was my numbing medication. My limit was reached when I couldn’t feel anymore. And the bad stuff didn’t seem so bad. My lonely and bitter heart wasn’t so lonely and bitter. But when my meds were off, I was back dealing with real-life—and hating every minute of it. 

So when I look into their eyes, I know what they are feeling. We may have experienced different hurt and pain that led to anger. But pain is pain, and it doesn’t matter how it arrived there. The focus should be on “who’s going to get me out of this hell hole”. And not “who is judging me”.

Anger doesn’t have the right to claim nor raise anyone… I should know because it raised me.

You could have chosen any blog to read but you chose mine and I’m honored!

~Belladonna~

43 Replies to “Anger Raised Me”

  1. Thank you for writing such an insightful post.
    I could do a post on myself that ‘depression raised me’, because my mother suffered from depression and dad dealt with this by staying at work 7 days a week. I only ever saw dad if I stayed up late after 9PM.
    I think the important thing to do though is recognise these problems, acknowledge them and their causes, and move on, least we pass these problems onto the next generation.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Anger doesn’t have the right to claim nor raise anyone.” Belladonna, that is a powerful summation that many of us can relate to. 👏🏼 We don’t realize that we build up some pretty tough defensive mechanisms that may seem brutal to others, based on the type of experiences you endured growing up. You recognized what the deal was, and after dropping those enablers that you thought were helping you cope, and then learning lessons from the tough reality of what these experiences produced, you readjusted. Yes!!! 👍🏼 Now, you can see clearly. That is a victory and very powerful thing sistah! 🤜🏼🤛🏼 Thanks for sharing something so real and intimate. 🥰💖😍🌺🤗💋😘🦋😊

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wow! Wow! Wow! You are so inpiring, powerful and amazing woman! Congratulations!
    I feel every word, you wrote from your heart. Touching souls with your writting.
    Sorry about, hope you don’t have more headaches anymore.
    Great work with your wonderful blog. Thank’s for share, Belladonna.
    Have a lovely time!
    Elvira

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You are welcome, Belladonna.
        Thank’s for your kindness.
        It’s a pleasure visit your blog.
        Eat six nuts before breakfast, are good to prevent headaches. Ask your doctor. Helps to me, year ago, I had headaches for other cause.
        Have a wonderful day! Keep well.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. You are a strong woman, Belladonna. On many levels. 💪🏽 Sometimes it just takes one special person, like your caring friend, to shine a light on our entire being. Childhood should be a time to feel supported, encouraged, and heard. Sadly, it doesn’t always work out that way. It seems you broke that negative cycle with your own children. 💗

    Liked by 3 people

  5. A powerful write, Belladonna. Resonates. I grew up in a household with lots of anger, and sequestered emotions, so that’s what I did for a long time. Not for a while now though, and not anymore! It’s amazing how wondeful it feels to actually feel the full spectrum of human emotions and to talk about them. Powerful. Loved this write.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Jeff! Yes it is sooooo darn powerful to release emotions that we keep bottled up. When wew release that’s when the healing can begin. Thank you so much for all your support.

      Like

  6. Anger raised me,
    I’m in awe of this powerful acknowledgement and having read parts of your life after anger raised you.
    Your childhood has been an incredibly hard journey 💔 😢
    and a tough connection to your roots, your childhood reality and your family, where your basic support systems were eroded, your first consciousness and destabilizing your heavenliness
    You are a tough cookie, if you woukd allow me to say it in this way.
    Reading about the angels who came along to carry you in some way at such a tender age, takes the pain in my chest away.
    It is painful, and we carry it with us for most of our lives, painful when the very grownups who were suppose to care couldn’t be bothered about the heaven inside of us.
    Reading your courage this morning I also felt a great feeling of I am proud of you, rise in my chest.
    We were not suppose to write such heartbreak, but I am immensely proud of your power, if I may, full of joy for the woman you have become.
    You have wrestled, and restored the wounded little one and through her created a divine connection to all the people you love. You have raised a new family. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I choked up righ tnoww with your words. This is what I needed and wy I felt comfortable enough to express my feelings here.
      In the end all wwe caan do is better. I tried and will contiinue to give my kids all the things I longed for. To be heard was on top of the list!
      Thank you so much for making my day with your comment, I truly aappreciate you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for being so brave and having the courage to share.
        I can imagine that it wasn’t an easy write or to find the best form to let your pain be known.
        Warm hugs.
        You are most welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for writing this. It’s an honest look into your childhood, and that’s something we all need to do IF we’re going to live a balanced adult life. I dealt with many adult issues as a child, and like you no one asked how I was handling it. Yet we survived!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m right there with you. The healing process is so rewarding and freeing. I am so glad you recognized it as well. Thank you so much for stoppingby anad leaving this amazing comment.

      Like

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