I Can’t Help But Wonder

I wrote this post a couple of years ago. I brought it back today for many reasons. But mainly because after almost three years I saw her again.

Was he what you dreamt of your whole life, or did you feel like you ran out of options? Do you like it when he snaps at you like a child and makes you drop what you are doing so that you may take care of his needs? Were you ready to leave, or was he prepared to leave, and you knew that you better fall in line? I’m sorry if I’m asking you too many questions; I can’t help but wonder.

I look at your face after he storms into your space and makes demands. He quickly leaves without hearing your response. Your response is neither required nor wanted.
Your facial expression resembles a stone, unbothered and unaffected from the natural disaster that you call life.

Are you ever going to break?

How long will you stay silent and suppress your feelings? I can’t take my eyes off of you as I watch you slowly rise with your head down. I can’t help but wonder if he speaks coldly to you around your children. I’ve seen your children, and they are up-tempo, high-spirited, and bright individuals. I have to admit that their pleasant disposition stunned me. They, too, have mastered the art of being nonchalant. I wonder if they have grown accustomed to his behavior, and this is their “normal.”

I can’t help but wonder how the dynamics of your household will affect your children? Will they have dysfunctional marriages as well?

Will they manage to break this vicious cycle?

On many occasions, I have just sat and watched you. I remember the first day that I saw you. You were at the gym and surrounded by women that were chatting, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Amid all the joy, you appeared heartbroken. Your head was down, and when the doors to the studio opened, you slowly walked to the back. As the weeks and months rolled by, I noticed that you always went to the back of the room and never engaged in conversation.

I regret not approaching you and merely saying hello. My hello may not change your outlook on your husband but can enhance how you view yourself.

I am looking forward to our subsequent encounter. I am encouraged that one day I will understand why you tolerate such a densely built personality. Maybe this is all you know yet undeniably feel as though your life could be more abundant.

Perhaps you wanted more for yourself but felt as if you didn’t deserve it. Maybe all the women in your family were submissive, and you were taught to be the same. I’m sorry if I have so many questions; I can’t help but wonder.

You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored.

~Belladonna~