I Can’t Help But Wonder

I wrote this post a couple of years ago. I brought it back today for many reasons. But mainly because after almost three years I saw her again.

Was he what you dreamt of your whole life, or did you feel like you ran out of options? Do you like it when he snaps at you like a child and makes you drop what you are doing so that you may take care of his needs? Were you ready to leave, or was he prepared to leave, and you knew that you better fall in line? I’m sorry if I’m asking you too many questions; I can’t help but wonder.

I look at your face after he storms into your space and makes demands. He quickly leaves without hearing your response. Your response is neither required nor wanted.
Your facial expression resembles a stone, unbothered and unaffected from the natural disaster that you call life.

Are you ever going to break?

How long will you stay silent and suppress your feelings? I can’t take my eyes off of you as I watch you slowly rise with your head down. I can’t help but wonder if he speaks coldly to you around your children. I’ve seen your children, and they are up-tempo, high-spirited, and bright individuals. I have to admit that their pleasant disposition stunned me. They, too, have mastered the art of being nonchalant. I wonder if they have grown accustomed to his behavior, and this is their “normal.”

I can’t help but wonder how the dynamics of your household will affect your children? Will they have dysfunctional marriages as well?

Will they manage to break this vicious cycle?

On many occasions, I have just sat and watched you. I remember the first day that I saw you. You were at the gym and surrounded by women that were chatting, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Amid all the joy, you appeared heartbroken. Your head was down, and when the doors to the studio opened, you slowly walked to the back. As the weeks and months rolled by, I noticed that you always went to the back of the room and never engaged in conversation.

I regret not approaching you and merely saying hello. My hello may not change your outlook on your husband but can enhance how you view yourself.

I am looking forward to our subsequent encounter. I am encouraged that one day I will understand why you tolerate such a densely built personality. Maybe this is all you know yet undeniably feel as though your life could be more abundant.

Perhaps you wanted more for yourself but felt as if you didn’t deserve it. Maybe all the women in your family were submissive, and you were taught to be the same. I’m sorry if I have so many questions; I can’t help but wonder.

You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored.


8 Replies to “I Can’t Help But Wonder”

  1. My mom was verbally abused by my own dad and then again in her second marriage after my dad passed. I saw the good. I saw the bad. I saw how she lost herself. I saw how she found herself her last month living is assisted living laughing with other women while battling cancer. She finally found joy with her then husband 1,000 miles away. I know she died having found light again. But I wish I had been a voice for her to find it far sooner. We either repeat the cycle or we break it. Why I do what I do. Why I say – leave your inhibitions at the door, honor your body, find your truth, that free spirited girl inside that is your birthright- strong, independent, joyful- reclaim her. I see it happen when we dance. Again and again. Well done Kelli <3

    1. Tiffany how could I love any more! I am in tear right now. I too experienced that with my mother. You are a perfect example of a beating and stopping the cycle. You celebrate being a woman and loving being a woman. That is so hard sometimes but you make it easier to accomplish.
      Our stories and our mothers struggles serve a purpose! I pray for this lady and her story every day.
      Thank you for sharing Tiffany.

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