I remember staring at the wall after our last fight. You punched me, and I picked up a phone and yanked the cord out of the wall. I charged after you with blood all over my face and dripping off my clothes. My frustration had finally reached its breaking point, and I charged after you like a raging bull. I suppose one hit would have been sufficient, but your face looked like a pinata, and I needed you to break.
I swear from that point on, I was a different person. I was no longer a victim. I was a woman with a story!
As I was staring at the wall, I could remember him saying;
“you should kill yourself.”
“your own mom doesn’t even like you.”
“she likes me more than you.”
I had just told him that I was done with knowing him and moving on with my life. I made it clear that this was the last time we would see each other. And thank God it was.
The fight isn’t the important part here. But the words that were said have stuck with me my entire adult life. What he said to me was nothing new to me. There was always a voice in my head that spoke loudly, even screaming at times. “WHY ARE YOU HERE”
Ugh! That voice is deafening. So I thought I’m sure I won’t be able to hear the voice after I drink. I can slip out of this body and numb myself. And to my surprise, that’s when the voice became louder and stronger. So down you go, bottle. You are failing at your job.
The Clock Ticked On
There is something magical about trained dancers. Your instructors are so intuned with life. They get it. Like they really get it. Their energy and vibe can take you to a place that alcohol or drugs could never. I will even go as far as to say a good dance instructor is better than any trained therapist. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they’re free with thier body. And to be free, you have to let go. Walls have to drop to let freedom in. When you dance, you have to get out of your own way.
Once I was able to master what I was being taught. The pesky voice quieted down. It didn’t shut up completely, but it knew I was in charge.
You know when you go to a sporting event, and the crowd is obnoxiously loud. Your football team is down by seven in the third quarter, with 4:56 left. And you know if they play like their life depends on it and put two touchdowns on the scoreboard. They’ll shut the crowd up! But even then, there will be that one fan that is still obnoxious.
One compared to hundreds or thousands is nothing. So the one can be easily ignored!
This so much more than an analogy. This is life and it’s exactly what you have to do to that voice. Be so good at whatever it is that drives you. Make your determination so loud that it quiets the unwanted noise. Don’t allow that voice to break God’s plan for you. When times get quiet and stale and your left to deal with your inner demons, the voice will kick in, and you have to do whatever it takes to gain back control.
Work hard at being loud. The voice will always be there, but you’re in control of the volume!
You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored!