Suicidal Thoughts Are Haunting My House

I’m sitting here pulling back the layers of my life…I can’t help but first go to all the things that caused me pain and absolute discomfort. You know the things that people either said or did to you that made you feel like your pure existence wouldn’t be missed. Not only would you not be missed, but you would be talked about in a negative way when your soul was finally at eternal rest.

When I was 15, I wondered what would be the quickest way to die. I thought I could take pills, but what if the doctor just pumped my stomach, revived me and sent me home. Okay, maybe I should cut my wrist? Nope not a sure way to die, but I would probably live and then carry those visible scars with me FOREVER.

I’ll never forget when I came up with a bulletproof plan. I was 19 mad at the world and desperate to escape mine on skin. I figured the best way to die was to jump off of something high. So I said okay, I  will drive to a bridge at night, park my car and then jump. Just knowing that I had a plan made me feel so peaceful… I actually smiled and felt a sense of peace.

The night finally arrived for me to put my plan into action. I called my husband, well, my boyfriend at the time. Well, not really, my boyfriend… I mean, I liked him, and he liked me, but geesh, that’s a story within a story. Anyway, I called him and told him that I just wanted to say goodbye. I told him that my whole body hurts….my soul aches, and I don’t want to breathe anymore. He told me that if something happened to me, it would change his life forever.

At that moment, I realized that I mattered to someone… I mean, really mattered. But I left my parent’s house that night anyway and drove for hours until I reached my spot. And I will never forget when I was getting out of my car Gladys Night  was singing…”Midnight Train to Georgia,” and I cried until I laughed. I don’t know why that song brought out so much emotion, but I’m thankful.

It took me years to reach a point that allowed my self to escape my haunted house…Haunted by people who didn’t treat me with equal love or appreciation. Haunted by my insecurities. Haunted by past relationships that were made of verbal, physical, and mental abuse.

When I  jumped up and ran out of my haunted house I never looked back… Every day I am amazed at who I am now and that my darkness is gone.

You could have chosen any blog to read but you chose mine and I’m honored.

~Belladonna~