The Day I Stopped All The Bullshit

The Day I Fell In Love “Part 2”

Let’s talk about that day.

I was 22 with a chip on my shoulder and mad at the world because I felt like the world was mad at me. I had a temper and a right and left hook that refused to back down to anyone. I was out looking for trouble, which wasn’t hard to find because I knew where to look.

The truth of the matter is I only joined the military because I wanted to be taught how to defend myself if I were to be attacked by 2 or more persons at once. I wanted to be able to shoot a target in any location I desired on the first shot. My sergeants’ had to pull me off the shooting range.

I had a tough demeanor because I thought that would prevent anybody from wanting to truly get close to me and stick around. I didn’t want to love because I knew that with love brings heartbreak, and that terrified me.

Even though, as I wrote in my post above about how I approached my now husband. I quickly moved away from a relationship. The word relationship to me carried baggage, and I lacked the desire and strength to hold them up.

Now here’s the weird part when I was around 22 I wanted to be loved but not love too much.

How stupid is that sound?

However, that’s how I felt. The risk of falling in love and having that love reciprocated would mean that I would leave myself wide open to being HURT. That hurt could quite possibly lead to tears, which in return would reveal a sign of weakness.

I had to think long and weigh out all my pros and cons. Obviously, the pros outweighed the cons, and I chose to not just love but love hard. I threw away all of my insecurities and embraced the softer version of me. Being fed up with all my bullshit saved my life. I started to look inward and focus on all my fears of having cheating, abusive, inattentive, and/or financially challenged spouse, just to name a few. But I let all of that go and loved and trusted myself enough to allow my now husband to enter into my universe.

I trusted myself to love hard but never lose my poise if love decided to bite me in the ass.

So to you all that are reading this and fear falling in love, I say this

“In order to find love, you have to take the risk of being hurt. ” – unknown

You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored.

~Belladonna~

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