Throughout our life, we will have to fight against our inner weaknesses. We all have flaws, but very few of us are willing to admit it and get real with ourselves.
I can be opened and honest with you all today and tell you that I am a very closed person. I give you one chance to show me that you are an inconsistent person and then I cut you off. But it’s like I have a sickness. I not only silence your voice or your existence, but I can pretend that you never existed. Then I move on.
What I have noticed is, it doesn’t matter how much I loved or respected you, I will remove you from my life. I can only chalk this up to me being put down and criticized my whole life, by the people who were supposed to uplift me and make me believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. So I self medicated by turning away quickly and avoiding any additional drama.
When I was in my 20’s, I started to alienate any and everyone that hurt me. I didn’t want to hear any explanations, all I wanted was to be left alone. Sadly to say that trickled into my 30’s and then into my 40’s. I continued to let this little monster of not wanting to be hurt turn into a bigger monster of me hurting myself. Not allowing the people that I loved to explain why they did what they did, hurt me more than what they actually did.
At this point in my life, I expect people to explain why they did whatever they did that ticked me off. It doesn’t matter if we are associates, family, or friends, I demand an explanation. Without an account, I can’t trust that you won’t become a repeat offender. However, with one I can try to understand your reasoning and then I’m able to make an informed decision.
But the one thing I know for sure is…
I will never allow my little monster to become a big monster ever again. Instead, I prefer to use my voice.
You could have chosen any blog to read, but you chose mine, and I’m honored.