I Can’t Help But Wonder


Was he what you dreamt of your whole life or did you feel like you ran out of options?  Do you like it when he snaps at you like a child and makes you drop what you are doing so that you may take care of his needs? Were you ready to leave or was he ready to leave and you knew that you better fall in line? I’m sorry if I’m asking you too many questions but I can’t help but wonder.

I look at your face after he storms in your space and makes demands. He quickly leaves without hearing your response. It’s obvious that your response is neither required or wanted. Your facial expression resembles a stone, unbothered and unaffected from the natural disaster that you call life. Are you ever going to break? How long will you stay silent and suppress your feelings? I can’t take my eyes off of you as I watch you slowly rise with your head down. I can’t help but wonder if he speaks coldly to you around your children. I’ve seen your children and they are up-tempo, high spirited, and bright individuals. I have to admit that their pleasant disposition stunned me. They too have mastered the art of being nonchalant. I wonder if they have grown accustomed to his behavior and this is their “normal”.  I can’t help but wonder how the dynamics of your household will affect your children? Will they have dysfunctional marriages as well? Will, they manage to break this vicious cycle?

On many occasions, I have just sat and watched you. I remember the first day that I saw you. You were at the gym and surrounded by women that were chatting, laughing and enjoying each others company.  In the midst of all the joy, you appeared heartbroken. Your head was down and when the doors to the studio opened, you slowly walked to the back. As the weeks and months rolled by I  noticed that you always went to the back of the room and never engaged in conversation. I regret not approaching you and simply saying hello. My hello may not change your outlook on your husband but can quite possibly enhance the way you view yourself.

I am looking forward to our next encounter. I am encouraged that one day I will be able to understand the reason you tolerate such a heavily built personality. Maybe this is all you know yet undeniably feel as though your life could be richer. Maybe you wanted more for yourself but felt as if you didn’t deserve it. Maybe all the women in your family were submissive and you were taught to be the same. I’m sorry if I have so many questions but I can’t help but wonder.

You could have chosen any blog to read but you chose mine and I’m honored.